Thoughts on Dominant Introverted Intuition

Published: January 17, 2021

After some conflicts with a friend, I have been thinking about how I think, and the way I process information and make decisions, and how I communicate with others as I do so. It seems I can come across as condescending or argumentative when I really am not intending it, and I was wondering why this happens and what steps I can take to minimize it.

The first place I encountered the term "perspectives" used to describe the Jungian cognitive function of introverted intuition was from Personality Hacker, but I've seen similar ideas in a lot of places since. Harry at Cognitive Personality Theory describes it as broad focus inwards, with examples that point toward a similar concept. Dario Nardi used the term "metaperspective" to describe the effects of Ni in his book 8 Keys to Self Leadership.

This seems to me to be a very apt description of a big part of Ni and one of the things I relate to the most.

In my experience, and what I was finally able to put words to last night thinking about this, what this means is that my primary mode of processing is to not just look at, but effectively "try on" different perspectives when I'm considering a situation (especially anything important or significant - for example thinking about political events or things like that.) Any given situation seems one way to me, but will seem different to others, and in order to be sure I properly understand the situation, I will try looking at it from another's point of view - usually several points of view - the more important, the more ways I try to consider it. I work through questions like "what would it take for me to see things the same way this person does?" and "is there anything valuable I can learn from thinking of it this way?". Ideally this results in a less personal metaperspective that synthesizes multiple points of view.

I don't think this is a bad thing at all, but the conflicts I have been having with this friend seem to come from engaging this mode, and I've been trying to figure out why and what can I do about it?

When I am "trying on" a perspective, I have no personal attachment to the perspective I'm trying, I am not arguing for it, I am not defending it. I'm completely open to it being disagreed with, and often may disagree with it myself, but still find it important to examine for the sake of completeness. If I'm discussing it with someone at the time, generally it's because I want to know what they think about it, not to convince or argue with them.

However, given my primary mode of extroverting is Extroverted Thinking, I can see how it would be very easy for my communication style to become inadvertently assertive or decisive. I tend not to be expressing questions or uncertainty in my communication, even though in my own perception, the entire exercise is a question. From the feedback I've gotten, I can tend to seem condescending or argumentative in these situations, and I'm not entirely clear on why - like, what words am I using or modes of speech to give this impression? What about my speech is causing my friend to take this personally when nothing about it is personal or even related to them at all, beyond wanting to know what they think?

I haven't come to any firm conclusions about this yet, but I have some places to start. How can I make it more clear to others when I'm engaging this exploratory mode? What can I do to invite discussion without giving the impression that I'm being argumentative or am attached to any perspective I discuss?

To some extent, people will either like me for who I am, and accept how I communicate, or not; however, it's also my responsibility to communicate as clearly as I can. I intend to do my best to monitor my intent and my words as I have these conversations and see exactly where to draw that line. How much can and should I change about my communication style without trying to change who I am, without diluting my authenticity, without trying to be someone else? It's a vague question with no defined answer and will take time and experimentation to find the appropriate boundary.

As far as this friend in particular, I've tried to explain how this is from my point of view, and what's actually happening with me in these situations; time will tell if they take my word for it or continue to ascribe intention that isn't there. Social interactions, and resolving misunderstandings, require effort from both parties. If I do my best, and they still take things wrong, that's ultimately their problem, not mine. But not what I want out of the situation. I expect we will come to a mutual understanding and a resolution that works for both of us; they're an adult, and I'm doing my best to be one, too ;)

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